I’m not quite sure what my expectations were as far as the division
of labor between my husband and I when it came to parenting. Ever since we moved in together, we naturally
divided up housework evenly (it always surprised me that I didn’t have to fight
to get it to be equal—thank goodness he was raised by a feminist woman!) I hate
washing dishes, he doesn’t mind. I’m the worst laundry folder to ever live—he
folds a fitted sheet like Martha Stewart. I’m picky with how the bathrooms are
cleaned, so I prefer to do that. He hates vacuuming and I don’t mind. We both
take turns cooking. It all just fell into place.
My, how things have changed. It’s not the housework that is
the issue—it’s the hours that are put into raising this little person that
depends on us for EVERYTHING.
I’m breastfeeding, which I’ve realized makes parenting
extremely one-sided in the beginning. I
was able to stay home 6 weeks with the baby. It was me, all me (plus some
awesome friends and family that came to visit) with H. I was the soother, the
feeder, the entertainer, the diaper changer, etc. It was so mentally and
physically exhausting. Add onto that the
extreme pain of a c-section and the resulting inability to do any real
housework and you’ve got one stressed new mama. Then, we slowly started
introducing the bottle so that the poor baby didn’t go into shock when I
returned to work. The first few weeks of sleepless nights I would sit in the
rocking chair while nursing H and wonder how other women did it. How did other new moms not appear to be filled
with angst over this huge inequity? Was I expecting too much? It’s not that
hubby didn’t want to help more, it’s just that there was no real way for him to
contribute in the beginning. I was pissed pretty often. Pissed off at nature,
really. Pissed off at my milk-leaking tits. Pissed off at the fact that while I
did want hubby to be able to help more, I also wanted to hold onto my new baby
every second of every day, even if it meant I wouldn’t get to shower or put on
makeup or real clothes. Obviously I was feeling pretty conflicted!
Now that I am back at work, hubby is home for seven weeks (I
know. How awesome is that!) and since H has a bottle all day, I need to give
him the tit in the evening and at night in order to keep my milk supply up and
to also make sure he doesn’t start to
prefer the bottle nipple over mine. Obviously I am beyond sleep deprived. H
doesn’t wake up in the middle of night for any other reason than to eat.
Meanwhile, my hubby gets to sleep through the night, uninterrupted. I’m not going to lie—I loathe him in the
morning when he wakes up refreshed with no bags under his eyes. People have
suggested waking my hubby up when I get up with H but it just seems cruel to
make him wake up just because I am walking (half comatose, mind you) to the
nursery with the baby and plopping in the rocking chair to nurse him back to
sleep.
Granted, once we started co-sleeping with H in the bed
things got MUCH easier. Most of the time
if he wakes up I can roll over and pop the boob in his mouth and half-sleep
while he eats which is amazingly better than physically getting up and going
into another room. Plus as he gets older he is waking up less often. But even
so, I am the one with the baby right next to me, utterly aware of his every
move and tiny mouse-like noises that occur throughout the night—sleeping or
not. I am the one waking with the engorged breasts leaking milk all over the
bed. (Although it doesn’t sound like it in this post, I actually LOVE
breastfeeding!)
I can decipher which cry means H is hungry and which one
means he is just straight up cranky or overtired while hubby, for the most part,
has no clue. I often wonder how much of
this is instinct on my part versus the fact that I have been a caretaker of
children for most of my life (babysitting is the best!), especially since hubby
really has no childcare experience prior to our little bundle of joy joining
us. Is it really that women are better equipped with instincts and hormones to
care for a new baby compared to men? I don’t know if I will ever know the
answer to this but what I can tell you is that hubby staying home with H for
the last 6 weeks has had a huge impact on how he cares for the baby. I can tell
that they have a stronger bond and hubby is much better at anticipating the
baby’s needs compared to when it was just me with the baby 24/7. Despite the
fact that the parenting gig still feels unequal I am so incredibly grateful
that hubby was able to take so much time off with the baby. He is an amazing
father and H adores him—you can see it on his chubby little face.
Soon H will be joining a nanny share and it will be
interesting to see how it changes our parenting roles. Hubby has law school at
night so once he goes back to work he will hardly see the baby during the week
and I will again be the parent spending the most time with H. What I know for
sure is that this baby is so loved and despite my mommy guilt (more on that
later) I know he is going to be ok—especially since he’s been able to bond with
both of us.
